Sal took his bye week a little early this year, choosing to sit out Week 3. Instead of depriving the public of a football post, he gave us his Quarterback Rankings. If you have yet to see that misguided mash-up of signal callers, be sure to check it out. Without further adieu, here are the Power Rankings for Week 5.
Joe Pa has a lot to be smiling about. Through September, he's averaging 122 points per week. That's pretty impressive, considering his bench is weaker than Ron Washington's in-game managing skills...
It seems like just weeks ago, Charlie was running away with the league. Led by RGIII, Chuck seized control of first place in the toughest division. Actually, he has still yet to lose a match in 2013. This Spastic is throwing a perfect game. I just wanted to make sure you all were aware of this. No losses. None.
Instead of using similes and metaphors to ranks the guys this week, I'm just going to give honest evaluations, as well as best and worst case scenarios, for each competitor.
Best Case Scenario: you read this, maybe you laugh and you continue to click on our website
Worst Case Scenario: this fills you with immense rage, and you decide you're going to fight me
It seems like just weeks ago, Charlie was running away with the league. Led by RGIII, Chuck seized control of first place in the toughest division. Actually, he has still yet to lose a match in 2013. This Spastic is throwing a perfect game. I just wanted to make sure you all were aware of this. No losses. None.
Instead of using similes and metaphors to ranks the guys this week, I'm just going to give honest evaluations, as well as best and worst case scenarios, for each competitor.
Best Case Scenario: you read this, maybe you laugh and you continue to click on our website
Worst Case Scenario: this fills you with immense rage, and you decide you're going to fight me
12: Miles: If you start Chris Ivory, you are pretty much asking me to put you in last place. Miles is an intelligent follow on twitter, a witty contributor to the message board and an overall stand-up guy. All that aside, it looks as if his fantasy football team was included in the government shutdown.
Best Case Scenario: The Vick and Romo Combo rallies to score enough points to keep Miles out of last place. Despite his standing, Miles continues to own the message board. He writes a post mocking people that make power rankings.
Worst Case Scenario: Miles changes his name to "Miley" and starts grinding all over the place wearing nothing except a ripped Jamaal Charles jersey.
11: Frank: A team with Demarco Murray, Aaron Rodgers and Dez Bryant should be in a position to succeed. A team with David Wilson, Ryan Matthews and Hakeem Nicks, should be in a position to wave the white flag. Something tells me Frank will have to make a move to keep above water.
Best Case Scenario: The New York Giants stop tanking for Clowney. If the Giants start playing professional football again, this team will be on the rise.
Worst Case Scenario: The New York Giants continue playing like the "Little Giants", before they let that young, butch girl take over the game. Frank is randomly assaulted by a manly woman named "Ice Box".
10: Josh J: After burying Josh in the last Power Rankings, his team has played a little less shitty. His lack of depth can be attributed to nagging injuries, but Russell Wilson has yet to put up the numbers he did in his rookie campaign. Still trying to figure out why he has Sam Bradford on the roster.
Best Case Scenario: Wilson plays better down the stretch, Spiller and Vereen get healthy and Josh is able to contend for the last playoff spot.
Worst Case Scenario: Danny Amendola has to be put down like Barbaro, after going down in Week 9. Josh's team never recovers.
9: Eric: They say the first win is always the toughest. I am not of that mindset. Eric has plenty of potential, but his receivers leave a lot to be desired. He will continue to trend upwards as the season progresses.
Best Case Scenario: A starting quarterback goes down, and Eric names his price to sell either Brady or Stafford. MJD and Peterson put up the numbers they are capable of, and Eric secures a 3-seed.
Worst Case Scenario: Nobody trades Eric and he starts the wrong quarterback every week. MJD continues to play like a Jaguar. Peterson tries to one-up Barry Sanders and retire mid-season.
8: Jason: The last two weeks have been tough for the lone Broncos' fan in the league. His team relies on the Mighty Wing of Kaepernick, which hasn't been as fruitful as anticipated. Good news, Gronk should be back soon!
Best Case Scenario: Gronk should be back soon!
Worst Case Scenario: Gronk decides to kill people and use angel dust because he always looked up to his friend Aaron. He misses Aaron and doesn't know why they can't hang out anymore. He's determined to have a play-date with his buddy, even if that means killing Danny Amendola.
7: Josh C: Josh's team is starting to peak as the season progresses. Despite being the owner of the worst team name in the league, his lineup is formidable. Frank Gore and Alfred Morris are the hardest runners in football, and Josh can throw them both at his opponents.
Best Case Scenario: Phil Rivers continues to play like the all star people sometimes used to think he could be, if he didn't act like such a sour-puss. Antonio Brown quietly finishes the year with the most yards in football (he's second right now).
Worst Case Scenario: Phil Rivers is who we thought he was. Frank Gore remembers that he is allergic to the endzone. The Steelers put Antonio Brown on IR, so they can continue to secure a top pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.
6: Sal: Sal has the second most points in the league, despite having the lamest bunch of running backs. Is it smoke? Is it mirrors? I'm pretty sure it's just Drew Brees. When he retires, Peyton Manning will own every passing record worth mentioning. However, Brees' legacy will be that he was the best fantasy quarterback of all-time.
Best Case Scenario: Sal continues to average over 100 per week, and his opponents start to play down to their averages.
Worst Case Scenario: You mean other than people scoring 113 per week against his team? Because through 4 weeks, this is getting pretty old...His inability to find a running back will hinder any of his efforts to overtake a playoff spot.
5:Josh S: After auto-pick gifted our favorite 336'er with two dominating weeks to open the season, it seemed as if not drafting your team is the best way to ensure wins. However, his negligence towards the league has finally caught up to him. Will Josh care enough to fight back, or will his seasonal depression overcome him?
Best Case Scenario: Brandon Marshall and Marshawn Lynch get healthy ASAP, and Josh regains his spot atop the standings.
Worst Case Scenario: He doesn't set his roster, and only Miles finishes with a worse record.
4: Tim: Tim has quietly rumbled to a 3-1 start, and if it wasn't for that damn Voldemort guy, he would be in first place. However, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce your way. He's a virtual lock to make the playoffs, because that division kind of sucks.
Best Case Scenario: Peyton Manning develops a man-crush on Montee Ball, and forces the rookie into the gameplan.
Worst Case Scenario: Peyton Manning inevitably regresses.
3: Cal: Despite my best efforts to not acknowledge my cousin's fantasy football prowess, I finally must concede. Cal's team is playing really well. I know, I know, he still has no depth, but he won't need it if his team continues to play this well.
Best Case Scenario: Matt Ryan to Julio Jones wins the VMA (pun intended) for "Hottest Hookup". Cal rolls through a weaker division, and captures the inaugural title.
Worst Case Scenario: Anyone gets hurt.
2: Charlie: He may be the only undefeated team, but he's not the best team in the league. I would take the 49ers over the Chiefs, despite their impressive early record. His accomplishments warrant praise, and I'm not taking credit away from him. Charlie, if you think you're better #ShowMeDontTweetMe #ShowMeDontTweetMe (a little NBA reference for everyone).
Best Case Scenario: Charlie continues to win every game. Haven't the first four weeks kind of been a 'best case scenario'? What more do you want? How greedy can one be?!
Worst Case Scenario: The 2012 Arizona Cardinals were 4-0... just sayin'.
1: Joe Pa: Joe's team is freaking nuts. Seriously, if I hadn't already exhausted my creativity on tweets nobody reads and 11 other power rankings, I would say something great here. Instead, let me just remind you that he is averaging over 120 points per week. Anyone can score 120 in a single week (looking at you, Cal), but to do it over a four week span is out of this world. All Hail Joe Pa.
Best Case Scenario: Joe wins the league, obviously.
Worst Case Scenario: He is unable to handle the pressure of a number one ranking, totally shits the bed, and finishes in 7th place.
Check back for a way more creative, less insulting read next week. Tweet your comments and reactions to @OBPPodcast or @SalTeamSix
Best Case Scenario: The Vick and Romo Combo rallies to score enough points to keep Miles out of last place. Despite his standing, Miles continues to own the message board. He writes a post mocking people that make power rankings.
Worst Case Scenario: Miles changes his name to "Miley" and starts grinding all over the place wearing nothing except a ripped Jamaal Charles jersey.
11: Frank: A team with Demarco Murray, Aaron Rodgers and Dez Bryant should be in a position to succeed. A team with David Wilson, Ryan Matthews and Hakeem Nicks, should be in a position to wave the white flag. Something tells me Frank will have to make a move to keep above water.
Best Case Scenario: The New York Giants stop tanking for Clowney. If the Giants start playing professional football again, this team will be on the rise.
Worst Case Scenario: The New York Giants continue playing like the "Little Giants", before they let that young, butch girl take over the game. Frank is randomly assaulted by a manly woman named "Ice Box".
10: Josh J: After burying Josh in the last Power Rankings, his team has played a little less shitty. His lack of depth can be attributed to nagging injuries, but Russell Wilson has yet to put up the numbers he did in his rookie campaign. Still trying to figure out why he has Sam Bradford on the roster.
Best Case Scenario: Wilson plays better down the stretch, Spiller and Vereen get healthy and Josh is able to contend for the last playoff spot.
Worst Case Scenario: Danny Amendola has to be put down like Barbaro, after going down in Week 9. Josh's team never recovers.
9: Eric: They say the first win is always the toughest. I am not of that mindset. Eric has plenty of potential, but his receivers leave a lot to be desired. He will continue to trend upwards as the season progresses.
Best Case Scenario: A starting quarterback goes down, and Eric names his price to sell either Brady or Stafford. MJD and Peterson put up the numbers they are capable of, and Eric secures a 3-seed.
Worst Case Scenario: Nobody trades Eric and he starts the wrong quarterback every week. MJD continues to play like a Jaguar. Peterson tries to one-up Barry Sanders and retire mid-season.
8: Jason: The last two weeks have been tough for the lone Broncos' fan in the league. His team relies on the Mighty Wing of Kaepernick, which hasn't been as fruitful as anticipated. Good news, Gronk should be back soon!
Best Case Scenario: Gronk should be back soon!
Worst Case Scenario: Gronk decides to kill people and use angel dust because he always looked up to his friend Aaron. He misses Aaron and doesn't know why they can't hang out anymore. He's determined to have a play-date with his buddy, even if that means killing Danny Amendola.
7: Josh C: Josh's team is starting to peak as the season progresses. Despite being the owner of the worst team name in the league, his lineup is formidable. Frank Gore and Alfred Morris are the hardest runners in football, and Josh can throw them both at his opponents.
Best Case Scenario: Phil Rivers continues to play like the all star people sometimes used to think he could be, if he didn't act like such a sour-puss. Antonio Brown quietly finishes the year with the most yards in football (he's second right now).
Worst Case Scenario: Phil Rivers is who we thought he was. Frank Gore remembers that he is allergic to the endzone. The Steelers put Antonio Brown on IR, so they can continue to secure a top pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.
6: Sal: Sal has the second most points in the league, despite having the lamest bunch of running backs. Is it smoke? Is it mirrors? I'm pretty sure it's just Drew Brees. When he retires, Peyton Manning will own every passing record worth mentioning. However, Brees' legacy will be that he was the best fantasy quarterback of all-time.
Best Case Scenario: Sal continues to average over 100 per week, and his opponents start to play down to their averages.
Worst Case Scenario: You mean other than people scoring 113 per week against his team? Because through 4 weeks, this is getting pretty old...His inability to find a running back will hinder any of his efforts to overtake a playoff spot.
5:Josh S: After auto-pick gifted our favorite 336'er with two dominating weeks to open the season, it seemed as if not drafting your team is the best way to ensure wins. However, his negligence towards the league has finally caught up to him. Will Josh care enough to fight back, or will his seasonal depression overcome him?
Best Case Scenario: Brandon Marshall and Marshawn Lynch get healthy ASAP, and Josh regains his spot atop the standings.
Worst Case Scenario: He doesn't set his roster, and only Miles finishes with a worse record.
4: Tim: Tim has quietly rumbled to a 3-1 start, and if it wasn't for that damn Voldemort guy, he would be in first place. However, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce your way. He's a virtual lock to make the playoffs, because that division kind of sucks.
Best Case Scenario: Peyton Manning develops a man-crush on Montee Ball, and forces the rookie into the gameplan.
Worst Case Scenario: Peyton Manning inevitably regresses.
3: Cal: Despite my best efforts to not acknowledge my cousin's fantasy football prowess, I finally must concede. Cal's team is playing really well. I know, I know, he still has no depth, but he won't need it if his team continues to play this well.
Best Case Scenario: Matt Ryan to Julio Jones wins the VMA (pun intended) for "Hottest Hookup". Cal rolls through a weaker division, and captures the inaugural title.
Worst Case Scenario: Anyone gets hurt.
2: Charlie: He may be the only undefeated team, but he's not the best team in the league. I would take the 49ers over the Chiefs, despite their impressive early record. His accomplishments warrant praise, and I'm not taking credit away from him. Charlie, if you think you're better #ShowMeDontTweetMe #ShowMeDontTweetMe (a little NBA reference for everyone).
Best Case Scenario: Charlie continues to win every game. Haven't the first four weeks kind of been a 'best case scenario'? What more do you want? How greedy can one be?!
Worst Case Scenario: The 2012 Arizona Cardinals were 4-0... just sayin'.
1: Joe Pa: Joe's team is freaking nuts. Seriously, if I hadn't already exhausted my creativity on tweets nobody reads and 11 other power rankings, I would say something great here. Instead, let me just remind you that he is averaging over 120 points per week. Anyone can score 120 in a single week (looking at you, Cal), but to do it over a four week span is out of this world. All Hail Joe Pa.
Best Case Scenario: Joe wins the league, obviously.
Worst Case Scenario: He is unable to handle the pressure of a number one ranking, totally shits the bed, and finishes in 7th place.
Check back for a way more creative, less insulting read next week. Tweet your comments and reactions to @OBPPodcast or @SalTeamSix
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